T-D Only Cares about Old People

Or so it seems since they've scheduled their coffee meeting with the general public for 9 a.m. on a Monday morning at McLean's on Leadbetter Road. Who can go to these things except retired people? And that's already their core audience, so this must be a retention meeting rather than one seeking new readers or departed readers.

Well, I can tell you what the people who have nothing else to do on Monday morning are going to tell you about the paper:

Bigger font.

Don't worry about the lack of tech and tech business coverage because we can barely operate push button phones, much less use a computer. We don't care about the future. We aren't going there.

That paper delivery guy is throwing my paper into the bushes. What are you going to do about that?

What happened to all those nice reporters we used to read, like Betty Booker and Jan Malone? What happened to them? (Uh...Boomer Life.)

Dagnabit, stop moving the bridge column, and I don't understand these new fangled comics. What happened to Gasoline Alley and Henry? I liked Henry. Little bald white boy. Didn't say nothing.

Bigger font. Especially in the obituaries. I like them obituaries. I read them first, and if I don't see my name, I have a second cup of coffee. Ha, ha.

Today in History, why that ought to be on the front page. I remember some of that stuff. That's interesting stuff. And the horoscope. Well, you know I know they're probably just made-up stuff, but I like to call my friend Eleanor -- she's in assisted living at Westbrook -- and read hers to her. Sort of gives her something to look forward to every day, knowing how the day might turn out.

Can the paper be delivered earlier? Because we're up at 4. We like to get to the Waffle House before the crowd, and bring our own paper. We've got things to do after that. Like, I've got to be at Ukrop's as soon as the doors open, because if you're just a few minutes late, those old biddies take all the good marked down meat and bread from yesterday! Especially Mildred Hawkins. I swear Miz Hawkins must get to the parking lot at 3 a.m. and just sits there, waiting, she's so determined to be first.

You say more people are reading the paper online? You mean on line at Ukrop's? Well, sometimes I do look at the People or Us Weekly. Woman's Day. Now there's a good magazine. Recipes. I don't know why they have to talk about sex, though. Everything is sex. Getting your man to do stuff. Pshaw. I'd be happy to get him to take out the trash. Ha. If you want to see the Enquirer and those trashy papers, you have to go to...what, Food Lion? K-Mart. I heard Sears took over the K-Mart, but it still looks like a K-Mart. Those clerks at the K-Mart, they don't care nothing about helping you. Have you see the size of their fingernails? They have these big ol' claws, painted all kind of colors. I don't see how they wipe their butts with those things on their hands. You see them? Some of them have jewels on 'em. I declare, I don't know what the world is coming to.

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